I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
They have beer where we have blood.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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