I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
