Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
