bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my being single is dangerous.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
