seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
