There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
