Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
