It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
