just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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