If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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