just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
