My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
