Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
