New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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