Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
