Will you blow on my dice?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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