In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so that wasnt chicken after all
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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