I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
