I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
