dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
There's even glitter on my cock...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
