i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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