"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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