apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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