How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
