dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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