I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
