I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
