He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
