What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
