I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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