Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
