I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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