I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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