Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I faked an abortion last night.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
