You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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