yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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