Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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