it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
