I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
