the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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