Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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