When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
