how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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