It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
