Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
