"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
