i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
