so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
