So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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