The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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