Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
