ugly people sure do ruin things
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
