as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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