Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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