guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
