you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
