rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
